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     The following story was taken from the out-of-print book "Prose and
     Cons" which was edited by Frank Earl Andrews.  It was published by
     Pyramid Books in 1976.  It is a collection of writings and drawings
     by various prison inmates.

     ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                                   IMA FIBBON
                              By Leslie Van Houten

       "Come with me", a uniformed officer directed.
       A steel gate rolled open, then shut behind us.  My first
     impression was that I had entered Fort Knox, but no, it was
     the county jail and judging by my escorts' iceberg features,
     I knew I wasn't going to be treated like a gold bar.  "Welp,"
     I told myself, "better prepare for the trip of your life, goil-
     ie."  With that in mind I took a deep breath and forced my
     chin up.  What the hell!  Worst could happen was I'd get it
     bent back down.

       Being booked was frantic and confusing.  "Birthday . . .
     Age . . .  Last address . . .  Name . . .  sput sput sput brp
     brp brp . . ."

       "Ima Fibbon . . .  Eighty-five . . .  Apollo Eleven . . ."

       "Wrist!"  An I.D. bracelet was clamped on my extended
     wrist.  I was born again - 439126.

       A pointed finger directed me around a corner.  "Strip."  I
     removed my clothing.  "Bend over and spread your legs."
     While my ovaries were inspected, I tried to escape the
     smothering reality of the situation, by thinking of myself as
     Citation, being prepared for the Kentucky Derby.  It was
     impossible to drift away for long though, and the venomous
     sounding commands dragged me back.  "Follow me".

       Another room.  Another officer.  This woman looked like
     Night Train Lanes' daddy.  "Get in the tub."

       Conscious of my nakedness, I lowered myself into three
     inches of water, after banging my knee on the side of the
     tub.  I splashed a bit, mostly going through the motions.  I
     was much too nervous to miss my rubber ducky.

       Two sets of unfeeling eyes watched as I stepped out.
     Night Train spun me around like a top, while Iceberg Face
     sprayed me all over with insecticide, from a hose attached
     to the wall.  Making a final attempt at dignity, I tried pre-
     tending that I was a stringbean plant and that the farmers
     were trying to keep the insects from eating my leaves.

       "Your dress."  Night Train handed me a folded bundle.
     The dress was constructed out of faded blue denim, with a
     big "L" on the front.  I figured it must be one of Night
     Trains' seconds, because it hung over me like a tent.  It
     stuck in places, but that was probably because no one had
     seen fit to give me towel and I was soaking wet.

       The sweater they gave me was definitely a fugitive from
     a nursery school, because it ended right at the elbows and
     just a few inches below the bust; definitely no wash and
     wear!  The rubber thongs that served as shoes were also
     miniscule, and I knew at first glance they would never be
     able to deal with my moon men.  Hoping they would ex-
     change them for a larger size, I inquired about the possibili-
     ty.  I should have checked with Jimmy the Greek first, then
     I'd have known the odds were a zillion to one against such
     a consideration.

       "Wear that!  We aren't running Macy's!"

       Iceberg Face pointed a gnarled finger at a seat in front of a
     glaring light and a whole lot of photographic equipment.  I
     sat down, grinning like a Chesire Cat.  "Don't smile!  This isn't
     for the cover of Cosmopolitan!"

       No wonder all the post office mug shots looked so rough.
     Nobody said cheese, or even held up a little birdie.

       Fingerprints followed the mug shots and by the time we
     were finished my nails had been beaten down to stubbles.
     To top it off, my cigarettes were all gone.  I was near tears,
     because I knew that place wasn't going to be my friend.

       "Birthday ...  Age ...  Last address ...  Name ...  Sput sput
     sput brp brp brp..."

       "Ima Fibbon . . .  Eighty-five . . .  Apollo Eleven . . ."

       "Follow me, Ima Fibbon!"  Night Train tucked the foot-
     ball under her arm and headed up-field.  She stopped at an
     elevator.  There we joined a group of other "fish."

       The next stop was the infirmary and a nurse with more
     questions that Carter had little liver pills.  "Pneumonia?
     Parkinson's Disease?  Leprosy?  Peanut Butterbulocis?
     Birthday . . .  Age . . .  Last address . . .  Name . . ."

       "Ima Fibbon . . .  Eighty-five . . .  Apollo Eleven . . .  Can
     I have an aspirin?  I'm starting to feel like a hypochondriac."

       "You'll have a lot worse in the hold if you don't button
     your trap," said Florence Nightingale sweetly, before disap-
     pearing in a swish of white.

       The next stop on the itinerary was the tank.  We marched
     in twos and I was just getting into the ol' esprit de corps
     when we reached our destination.  The hike was over.  We
     wuz home at last!

       The tank was made up of twelve cells, enclosed in a
     barred compound, sort of a dozen little cells surrounded by
     one big one.  The front of each cell was in fact a sliding
     door, which was also constructed out of bars.  The only out-
     side light flowed in through a row of windows adjacent to a
     catwalk that ran the length of the tier.  Behind the row of
     residences ran the electrical and sewage lines, the latter
     being obvious via the funky odors that filtered through a
     small vent in the rear of each cell.  The tank officer opened
     the tier gate and as each fish passed through, Night Train
     handed her a granny sleeping gown, a sheet, and a mattress
     cover, all made out of muslin.

       "Ima Fibbon"?

       "Yes."

       "Cell twelve."

       Twelve was the last in line and during my brief stroll to
     my new adobe hacienda I sent my mind out on one of its
     excursions, the kind that never let me fully excape for long,
     but which did provide a respite now and then.  This time I
     opted for Ali Baba, but before I could say "open Sesame",
     the door thundered wide.  The cell could have easily passed
     for a cave, but I didn't see any treasure lying around. My
     mind came back at that point, and it dawned on me that I
     would be spending the night in a cage with two complete
     strangers.

       I made a quick assessment of the cell.  There were only
     two bunks, and since they were occupied with two beings
     who were occupied with the jails' most popular pastime -
     zzzzzing - I assumed the mat on the floor belonged to little
     ol' me.  When I dragged the pallet out from under the bot-
     tom bunk, one of my roomies muttered something which
     sure didn't sound like a greeting.  A few minutes later, as I
     spread my linen over the mattress, I found that my original
     thought had been correct.

       "C'mon with all that goddamn noise, girl!  Jesus Christ!
     Trying to get some fucking sleep!"

       I sat down on my unmade-up mattress, but remained
     awake, trying to figure out some solution to the million and
     one questions that floated in and out of my head.  They
     were still floating when the harshly-lit county jail greeted
     the dusky dawn.

       I decided to announce that I had never been in the slam-
     mer before, and that I hoped my cell-mates would overlook
     any breeches of etiquette I might commit.  I received a few
     grunts and sidelong glances for my efforts, making me
     more aware only of the fact that I was just a dumb, scared,
     dizzy hippy who would be better off keeping her mouth
     shut.  I climbed off my regal sack, slid it under the bottom
     cot, and sat on the floor by the door, waiting for whatever
     came next.  I didn't have long to wait, and damn near had a
     miscarriage when the twelve doors opened in unison, al-
     most catching the hem of denim tent in the process.  I
     thought, surely THAT rumble would measure at least six
     points on the Richter Scale.

       "One step out and halt!"

       The command came from a new officer, or at least a dif-
     ferent one from the guard who had tucked us in.  She wasn't
     a bad looking woman, except for an exaggerated bra that
     made her mammaries stick out like two torpedoes, and a
     young face that was tight.  Her words were clipped.

       She waited for us to line up in front of our cells before
     starting her orientation.  "There is to be no talking in the
     dining area.  Anyone caught with her mouth open, except
     for eating, will lose her meal and end up in the lock-up.  Upon
     returning from the dining area, you will go immediately to
     your cells and stand facing them.  Do not talk or your doors
     will not be opened and you will remain standing at atten-
     tion, until I feel the inclination to let you in.  Is that perfect-
     ly clear?"  The last was rediculous.  How could it be other-
     wise?

       The mode of travel going to and from the mess hall was
     in pairs.  By now everyone knew who they would double up
     with, except me.  Pairing was usually white on white, black
     on black, with an occasional sprinkling of salt and pepper.
     While I stood there, like a new kid on the block, the others
     fell into line.  I was getting a bit apprehensive, when a tall
     woman with a short afro motioned for me to stand next to
     her.  She was the tank trustee and I smiled my gratitude, not
     giving a damn that her skin was the color of deep choco-
     late.  She smiled back and I felt a lot better.

       The advantage of pairing with the trustee meant march-
     ing at the front of the line.  As we started off I turned my-
     self into a wagon-train scout.  Searching from side to side, I
     made certain no bandits were lurking in the underbrush,
     crouching in ambush on our wagon-train.  My vigilance got
     us through the pass and into the mess hall safely.  Here,
     masses of women in blue herded masses of prisoners in and
     out, amid the sounds of bashing metal trays, clanking
     spoons and shouting guards.

       "Keep that line moving!  Shut your trap!  Eyes to the
     front!  Yip yip yip . . .  Move along little doggie . . .  Ki yi
     yippee yi yi . . ."

       The mess hall could hold about one hundred and fifty
     women, but using the shuttle method with people constantly
     rotating in and out, a population of about six hundred fe-
     male souls ate in the space of an hour.  The line filed along
     one wall, passing first a tray rack, then a kitchen worker
     who handed out spoons.  Across an aluminum counter, food
     was slapped onto the trays by a varying shade of inmate
     arms, belonging to blank and empty faces.  Diners then
     moved between rows of four-set dinette tables, sat down
     and started scoffing mucho fasto.  Eating time ranged be-
     tween ten and fifteen minutes, making it apparent that Amy
     Vanderbilt's Book Of Etiquette wasn't written with prisoners
     in mind.  If one was to be full, speed was the order of the
     day, perpetual motion by both spoon and lips.  Otherwise a
     resident could find herself marching out with tears in her
     eyes and a protesting stomach.

       I had always wondered if the James Cagney/George Raft
     prison movies were mostly put-ons, but I soon learned that
     there was much authenticity in the shifting of eyes without
     turning the head.  To a basketball player, this is known as
     "lateral vision", but when mentioned in association with
     people behind bars it is called "sleazy-eyed."  Yet, by mak-
     ing little slits out of my eyes, I found that I could peek
     around at will without being detected, thus get a glimpse of
     what was going on - hundreds of eyes peering like mine,
     hundreds of prisoners talking, but not one pair of lips mov-
     ing.  I especially noted the numerous affirmative nods and
     hand signals to my partner, and I felt good about that,
     more secure, sort of "in like Flynn."

       "You dumb honky bitch!" a loud voice erupted suddenly.
     "Don't you never put your nasty white paws in my cup!
     How the hell do I know where your hand's been at?"

       The activity turned instantly into silence.  I held my
     breath.  A riot?  And they didn't even know my mama's
     phone number!  But my fears were groundless, because
     without a word of admonishment, an officer brought the
     culprit another cup.  Soon, spoons were clanking away
     again, as if nothing had ever happened.

       Two beeps and a bop later we were on the way out of
     the mess hall, moving first in single file so that an officer at
     the door could make sure each woman turned in a spoon,
     then in pairs again for the march back to the tier.

       Hut-two-three-four.  Hut-two-three-four.  Hut-two-three
     four.  Ain't no use in looking down.  Hut-two-three-four.
     Ain't no discharge on the ground.  Hut-two-three-four.

       The tier gate banged shut behind us, and we waited in
     front of our cells.  Everyone was eager for a return to the
     slammers.  Bullet Breast had other ideas.

       "Now really, ladies," she scolded like a schoolmarm, "The
     line returning from the dining area was a shambles, I
     warned you earlier that if you persisted in acting like juve-
     niles, then you could expect to be treated like same.  Let's
     see if you are mature enough to remain quiet for the next
     twenty minutes."

       The keys jangled away and ironically on cue the squawk
     box over our heads began emitting music.  After a few bars
     of "just a little lovin', early in the mawnin'" frayed nerves
     gave way first with a hissed, "that bitch", then a disgusted,
     "what a motherfucker", finally topped off with a weary,
     "shit, I'm tired."

       The versatile vocabulations, all referring to B.B., were
     phenomenal in that during a twenty minute period she was
     called every low name in the English language without one
     repetition.  There was even a "puta" thrown in for good
     measure.  Then the ring of returning keys cut all of that off.
     Like tin soldiers we tightened ranks and when Generaliss-
     no B.B. rounded the bend she beamed with satisfaction.

       "All right, ladies.  Maybe next time you'll do better."  She
     was about to swing the doors, when the third woman on my
     left decided to let loose with a few things that had been
     overlooked.

       "Trouble with you bitch is you ain't grinning and walk-
     ing bowlegged.  Just because your dude's a fag don't mean
     you pozed to bring your attitude in here on us."

       Naturally, Penelope de Bust responded to the outburst.
     "Perhaps the lady with the foul mouth will be honest
     enough to repeat that to my face."

       From further down the line:  "Ain't no Abe Lincoln's
     here, woman!"

       After the titter died away, B.B. locked the control box
     and delivered another slap in the wrist, probably designed
     to alienate us from the girls who had done the talking.
     "Stay there then, until I find out who the guilty parties are."

       She jangled away and the legionnaires slumped.  I was
     definitely tired, but I felt good behind the fact that no one
     had given up our loud-mouthed comrades, even though we
     all wanted to strangle them.  An hour later the doors rum-
     bled open.

       I waited until my roomies had tumbled back into their
     sacks, then brushed the violin-sized footprints off my mat-
     tress.  Before I could flop a guard appeared on the outside
     catwalk.

       "Ima Fibbon . . .  Ollra pua . . .  Ellca onea . . .  Opta
     unkba . . ."  Good thing I understood Pig-Latin, because
     that sure was the way the instructions were spewed out.
     However, the news was pleasing, since three people in that
     can was kinda tight, a sho 'nuf case against putting them
     little ol' fishies in a can.  The thought of my own bed made
     me light-headed, on equal terms with a kid who just re-
     ceived an all-day sucker from the dentist in return for not
     biting his finger.  In one quick motion I swooped up my
     bedding and belongings and backed out the door, which
     had been deadlocked open.  I felt a momentary pang of
     gratitude for my roomies, since neither one of them had
     stepped on my head during the night, so I hesitated long
     enough to say "adios amigos."

       I should have known better.  "Goodbye motherfucker!"
     one of them growled, as glad to be rid of me as I was glad
     to be gotten rid of.

       On feet with wings I floated down the freeway, tempted
     to do a few pirouettes.  Because of the precarious grip on
     my bundle I gave the dance a second thought and instead
     hummed along with the radio.  "You got me going in circles
     . . ."  At the same time I counted down the cells under my
     breath . . .  seven . . .  six . . .  five . . .  four . . ."
     BLUMP!

       "Watch where the fuck you're going!"

       Actually, the contact was the other driver's fault, as I
     was on the freeway and she had darted from the third cell,
     like coming out of a side street without first checking traffic
     on the turnpike.  Yet she was built like Sonny Liston and
     since I hadn't received any black belts in karate, I figured
     diplomacy was the wisest course.  I excused myself in a little
     girl voice and made a wide swing around her.  Without fur-
     ther mishap I finally managed to set myself down on land-
     ing pad one.

       Residence Uno was exactly like Crib Deuce, Hacineda
     Trey or Penthouse Foru: bunks with springs, a small shelf
     at the foot of each bed, a sink with a metal mirror over it
     and a commode.  In front of the throne stood a tall tin lock-
     er, which afforded some toilet privacy if the door was open.
     There was also a small desk, which served better as a seat.

       The bottom bunk was made up, so I went about making
     the top bunk, obsessed with the idea of getting some sleep.
     Once I climbed in, Rip Van Winkle's sleeping record was in
     serious jeopardy of being put to shame.  The first problem I
     encountered was with the mattress cover, which fit my past
     pallet perfectly but had obviously shrunk up overnight or
     else my new mattress needed some lessons in weight-
     watching.  After huffing and puffing, stomping on the cor-
     ners, holding in check a compulsive and overwhelming urge
     to bite the mother, the mattress was finally encased.  When I
     climbed to the floor again, to view my Herculean accom-
     plishment, all four corners curled up at me in contempt,
     not to mention the appearance of so many lumps that my
     gondola looked like a young mountain range.  I climbed
     back onboard, spreadeagled, flapped with both arms and
     kicked with both heels.  The minute I let up pummeling, the
     darn thing curled right back up.  After a few more fruitless
     bashes, I gave up, forcing myself to look at it optimistically.
     Hell, if the floods came again, I was equipped with a ready-
     made boat.  Besides that, I doubted if any stray sharks
     would attack that monstrous looking thing.  Who ever heard
     of a shark leaping at a gondola with a mountain range in
     the middle anyway?

       Both the towel rack and the locker were filled, so all I
     could do was stack my belongings on the top shelf.  The
     minute I had everything lined up nice and neat, I tumbled
     into the gondola, almost too pooped to pop.  A raucous
     voice froze my two-second nap.

       "Get those things off that shelf!"

       She had to be kidding!  "You there in the first cell!"  She
     wasn't

       I crawled to my knees and looked at her through the
     bars.  It was B.B. and her jibs were so tight I thought for
     sure that any minute she'd fire those 90 .mm howitzers at
     me.

       "There is to be nothing on that shelf except a tin cup and
     an ashtray!  Do you understand?"

       "Well, where do I . . ."

       "Are you refusing to obey an order?"

       I was still having difficulty adapting to the blind obedi-
     ence bit, and that continual "do you understand" thing was
     getting harder and harder to put up with.  For a moment I
     envisioned myself down on my haunches, scratching myself
     under both arms and jumping up and down like Cheetah in
     the Tarzan movies, but commonsense prevailed and I
     backed off.

       "I understand," I said weakly.

       "That's better!" she snapped, unable to resist jamming the
     rest of her authoritarian crap down my throat.

       She drove away and I took my things down off the shelf,
     wondering where the hell I was supposed to put them.  Aha!
     I could make a pack and strap it to my back.  Naw . . .
     Maybe I could stuff everything inside my gondola.  What
     with all the lumps it wouldn't even be noticed.  I was still
     pondering the problem when intuition told me there was
     someone behind me.  There was.  The trustee, leaning
     against the open door.  I dangled my legs over the side of
     the bunk.  Our eyes locked and I felt myself being raped.  I
     jumped to the floor and stuck my hands self-consciously
     into my pockets, checking to make sure her gaze hadn't
     seared my dress.  She drew deep on a cigarette and smirked
     at my nervousness.

       "Hi.  My name is Ima.  What's yours?"

       "Norma," she said without emotion.  She exhaled slowly
     and I sat on the bottom bunk.

       "Please . . .  please . . .  help me . . ."  A disheveled al-
     coholic stuck her head through the door, obviously in the
     throes of the D.T.'s.  She was ruined and couldn't have
     looked worse had a tractor-and-trailer hit her and stopped
     and backed up for a few seconds just to make sure.  My
     stomach gurled with repungance and I had to turn away be-
     fore it erupted.

       Norma wasn't fazed in the least.  "Why don't you go find
     yourself a dime," she said in the same dull voice, "then call
     somebody who gives a damn.  We all got problems, lady."

       The wretched woman sagged, hung onto the bars a min-
     ute, then somehow found a direction and wobbled away.  I
     was confused at Norma's rudeness and apathy, yet doubted
     if I would have assisted the woman either - not so much for
     lack of compassion but because she was so filthy and sick
     that I couldn't bear the thought of looking at her, let alone
     touching her.  Norma simply wasn't affected in any way.

       "Well, where can I put my towel?"

       "Move mine over and put it next to that.  You can use
     half the locker for your other things."

       I began putting them in the locker, giving each item an
     extra-loving pat, like a kindly mother who had found some
     orphans a home and wanted to show them that everything
     was all right now.

       "You ain't plannin' on getting bailed, are you"

       I almost fainted!  Some INTEREST!  At last!  I restrained the
     impulse to go into my old high school "sis-boom-bah" bag.
     I was eager for some conversation, but at the same time
     aware of the ways people in jail acted, which was not to
     display anything.  I finished stacking my belongings before I
     replied.

       "I don't know what bail is . . .  I haven't been to court
     yet . . ."

       "Nurses line!  Nurses line!"  The brittle announcement
     shook the walls, but it turned out to be a blessing in dis-
     guise, because whoever made the announcement forgot to
     put the music back on.

       "I had a peep at your passport," Norma said.  "You got
     yourself one heavy problem, honey."

       I scuffed by feet around.  "Yeah, I know . . .  See, it
     wasn't . . ."

       "Hold it!"  Norma cut in.  "I don't give a shit what you
     did or didn't do.  But if you care about yourself, keep your
     mouth shut about it, else you might find yourself gettin bur-
     ied alive while some other bitch rolls free at your expense.
     These walls got ears.  You'll be okay if you keep that in
     mind."

       "All late courts line up with your wristbands showing!"

       Norma made a face at the loudspeaker.  "Shut the fuck
     up!"  She turned her attention back to me.  "Don't look like
     you got much going for yourself at the moment."  She took
     a pack of smokes from the locker.  Before she could give
     me the entire pack I indicated just one cigarette.  She
     laughed that knowing look of hers, busted the pack and
     gave me one.  She x-rayed me again with her eyes and
     tossed the pack on the bed.  "Later, I'll get you whatever
     else you need."

       I couldn't make too much sense out of Norma.  One sec-
     ond she came off as a cold, unfeeling individual, and the
     next she was one of the beautiful people.  I liked mucho the
     second half of her.  She handed me a book of matches and I
     lit up my Pall Mall.  It was my first cigarette in some time
     and the smoke almost choked me.

       "Thanks," I coughed, handing her the matches back.

       She threw the matches next to the cigarettes.  "I didn't
     ask for any of that either, those thank you's."  She laughed
     knowlingly again.  "Besides, ain't nothing for nothing . . .
     Remember that, you hear?"

       "Ladies!  Canteen will be here in half an hour!  Have your
     ditty bags ready!"

       Norma flipped her butt into the john.  "Got any bread?"

       I shook my head.  "Norma, what are you in here for?"

       "Couple of robberies and parole violation."

       "Parole?"  My eyes widened.  "You been in prison?"

       "Fact is, honey, I been in more than I been out."  Her
     face took on a faraway quality, and I could tell she was re-
     flecting back.  For a moment her face softened, but she
     cuaght herself quickly and put the barriers back up again.
     "Lookie here, Ima, I plan to catch me some zzzzzzz's, so
     you make sure nobody comes in here bothering be.  If you
     want sump'n to occupy your mind there's a mystery novel
     in the locker."  She patted her pillow, while I drooled at
     how soft it looked.  Damn, did I want some sleep!

       Norma kicked off her shoes and slid sideways onto her
     bunk, facing the near wall.  "I got a small dress coming in
     from the other side,"  she mumbled over her shoulder.
     "When the trustee runs it this way, get it.  Ohh," she added,
     already half crashed out, "that dress is worth four days in
     the hole, so be cool . . .  and take your cigarettes off my
     bed."

       Norma gave orders in such a confident manner that it
     never occurred to me to protest.  So, wearier than Rip Van
     Winkle, I found myself face down on my bunk, staring out
     through the bars, wondering what I was supposed to guard
     against.  Oh well, if a whale swam up, I would just shout
     "thar she blows!"  I giggled at the thought of curling Nor-
     ma's snuggies with a play like that, but I also kept in mind
     how she looked when she was angry, so I though better of
     the idea.  I gave the mystery a few passes before realizing
     that I had already read it.  Besides that my sunken eyeballs
     were in no shape for a rerun at a tired book.  A short time
     later the trustee came along the outside corridor, whisper-
     ing Norma's name.  I jumped to the floor and went for the
     dress, which was bundled under her arm.  Halfway across
     the tier I heard my name barked out and almost fainted.

       "Ima!"

       EEK!  Talk about crime prevention!  I was caught before
     I had a chance to do anything wrong!

       "Ima Fibbon!"  I turned, trying to conceal my fear with a
     giant CHEEZE.  "Take off your underwear and bra and get
     ready for Blood and V.  Hurry!!!  I don't have all day!"

       When I looked back around again the trustee had disap-
     peared, but I was too confused to be relieved.  "What's
     Blood and V?"  I asked another woman walking toward the
     front.

       "Oh, man, they take some blood and check your money-
     maker for disease."

       I was perplexed about missing the dress pick-up, but
     more upset at the thought of the forthcoming examination.

       "All Blood and V up front!"

       A few seconds later twenty of us were crammed into an
     elevator and speeding toward the top floor.  We bounced to
     a stop.

       "Everybody out!  All right ladies, no talking!  Show your
     wristbands!  Stand single file!"  The tight-lipped officer stood
     stark against the infirmary's sparkling white walls.

       Lines of women slowly moved like giant snakes through
     one door to the next.  Everyone appeared mangled and di-
     sheveled, yet each managed to maintain enough dignity to
     avoid the eyes of the other, acutely aware of the upcoming
     humiliation.

       "439126!"  I checked my wristband.  That was me.  "In
     here!"  I stepped into the room, where a doctor immediately
     closed the curtains all around us.  "Lay on the table.  Put your
     feet in the stirrups."  The thought of what he meant to do
     caused me to momentarily despise myself for being a wom-
     an.  I followed his instructions, bracing myself for the alien
     inspection of my most intimate parts.  I wasn't prepared for
     the excruciating pain that came next.  Gawd it hurt!  I held
     my breath while he crudely extracted his utensil, and if it
     wasn't for the cry I had choked off in my throat, I would
     have told him that my tonsils could be reached much easier
     from up top.

       "Okay, put your legs together and get up."  He flung the
     curtain back, and as I went out I eyed the next victim with
     pity.  Little did she know that Dr. Jekyll was waiting to turn
     a painless inspection into a painful one.

       Next, I was hustled past a table covered with an array of
     dixie cups, brimming over with various shades and types of
     sugar pills.  They probably didn't do much for curing any-
     one's ills, but they sure looked pretty; a prescription bou-
     quet against the pallid walls and ceiling.  I didn't have long
     to admire the colorful display because I felt myself being
     whirled in a cirle, the ol' pin-the-tail-on-the-mule, with my
     arm turing into the ass.  Blood was extracted from me so
     fast that I didn't have a chance to yell "ouch."  I did check
     out the woman who was draining my life's fluid, and I
     swear I saw the faint hint of a satisfied smile as she jabbed
     my arm.  Made my wonder if she was just checking the
     blood, or if she had it for dinner with a bacon, lettuce and
     tomato sandwich.  Either way, she was a whiz with that
     spike.  Would have made one helluva A-1 dope fiend.

       "This way!"  Another spin-the-bottle.  I turned myself into
     a helicopter.  After a brief flight around the room I landed
     in front of an X-ray machine.  "Deep breath!  Holdit!"
     BOOSH!  CLUMP!  "Thank you!  Next!"

       "All ladies who are finished, on the elevator!  No talk-
     ing!"
Click HERE for part 2...


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